for the impossible
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Suguru learns the differences between obstacles in society and impossibilities within the mind and soul.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: for the impossible.  
Pairing: Tohma + Suguru  
Rating: PG  
Description: Suguru learns the differences between obstacles in society and impossibilities within the mind and soul****.**

**Disclaimer: Gravitation doesn****'****t belong to me, but to Murakami Maki-sama.**

**for the impossible  
by miyamoto yui  
**

Cough, cough…  
Everything seemed so blurry around me.

It was as if the world turned into a dream-like existence and I was floating along with every ounce of strength that I could conjure up. Normally, I wasn't such a person to live among the clouds, but my weakness was overwhelming and I just felt that it was something to overcome.

This wasn't so bad. I had gone through worse times. But why was it when you felt so miserable, that was the time when your pride wouldn't let you fail? Why was it that physical constraints couldn't be overcome by mental encouragement?

As I pushed myself onto the wall, my eyes blinked and I looked from side to side. I was trying my best to practice and convince myself that I was fine.

"Yes, that's right. I've done much more in worse situations."

And the fear came to me. Was I getting old? Impossible! Some bad cold couldn't hold me back from today!

Normally, I was the level-headed one that could stand through anything. I was the voice of reason for Bad Luck. It was Shuichi who was the scatterbrained one that bounced all over the place. And Hiro was the mediator who could comprehend everything and everyone, but tried to take all the burdens by himself.  
I couldn't rely on them right now.

But as I was standing against the wall with an annoyed expression and trying to keep myself together, there was Hiro before me. I wanted to laugh at him. Had he come to save me?  
Always the good guy and never really wanting to hurt anyone but himself. Maybe we were twins that way.

"You didn't sound so good on the phone, so I rushed right over," he told me while trying to hold onto my shoulders. "You can't perform in this condition. Call the whole tour off, Suguru."  
I stubbornly shook my head. "I can't. I worked too hard for this."

"There will be another time. What's important now is your health!" he shouted at me, trying not to shake me, but his grip became a bit firmer. "This is beyond being a workaholic! And I bet no one knows because you hide these things pretty well."  
"Not good enough if you saw through it," I smiled at him deliriously. "I guess I must improve on that one."  
"There is no time for this. You have to get to bed immediately!"

As he was about to carry me, I pushed him away. "I have waited so long for this Hiro. For a long, long time, people have only referred to me as Tohma-san's cousin or 'that synthesizer player from Bad Luck'.  
Even though they recognized my face, they never knew ME. No one cared to know who I was and now it is in my hands. Can't you understand, Hiro?!"  
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to concentrate and look at him, trying to make him sympathize with my position. But, of course, I knew where he was coming from. I knew exactly what was happening here. I knew all the alternatives, the routes of actions, the paths I should have taken versus what I wanted.

I knew all this. And yet, I continued to plead for my life.

My life within music.

How I-

"Suguru."  
The door opened and I found Tohma-san with his feathered coat and reproachful eyes staring at me.

"What are you doing here? Isn't Nittle Grasper doing a tour right now?"

He ignored my question as he nodded at Hiro and said, "Thank you. May I have a private word with him?"

As soon as Hiro dismissed himself, Tohma's eyes gazed back at me. I lifted up my chin as I glared at him.  
"Always so elegant, aren't we, Tohma-san?"  
"Not much can be said for you, Suguru-kun."

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap…

His shoes echoed on the floor as he came closer and closer to me.

I wanted to shake my head and I wanted to hide. I didn't want him to touch me. Bad things happened whenever he did that…

It was as if he were Midas and everything he touched turned to gold: beautiful, shiny, and useless in the world of heart and dreams.

"You cannot perform in this condition. Have you lost your mind?" He stood before me, tall and strong.  
Intimidating as he had always been. "This isn't professional at all. Don't act like a child."  
"I can still perform, Tohma-san," I pleaded, trying not to touch his coat or his collar.

He took off his gloves and purposely dropped them to the floor. He took my chin in one of his hands as he looked straight into my eyes. As his skin touched mine, I felt like I was burning to death with his hand as a punishment that held the depths of hell within it.

"I don't want to be overlooked anymore," I told him with a cracked voice. Tears were escaping from my eyes, betraying the sadness that I could not tell anyone or even admit to myself.

He closed his eyes for a moment as he gulped. When he opened his eyes again, he sighed as he watched me with eyes as if they wanted tears to fall.

As if he couldn't stand me in so much pain…  
Telling me that he had known this all along.

Taking my cheeks with each of his hands, he whispered into my ear, "I know, Suguru. I know…"

Then, he continued, "But, you can't go on today."  
"Yes, I can," I protested while giving him two light punches on his chest. I shook my head in denial.  
"I know it's hard to accept your limits, but you have to. You absolutely cannot perform today."  
"I know you believe I can," I protested even more with my tears staining his coat.

Before I knew it, he warmly carried me in his arms. Then, he opened the door and I fell unconscious.

When I came to, I was in my apartment and in my bed. There was Tohma-san next to me in a chair and reading a music magazine, waiting for me to wake up. But I was still too dizzy to do anything.

I shortly glanced at him with a weak smile. Then, I closed my eyes again to go back to sleep.

But before I did, I felt Tohma sit on my bed and lean down towards me. He pushed my hair away from my face.

And at that moment, he kissed me on the lips, thinking I had completely fallen asleep. Then, he put his head next to mine on the pillow and whispered to my ear while still holding onto my cheek with an ungloved hand.  
"I love you too much, Suguru. As of this moment, I bet you Ryuichi and Nuriko are secretly freaking out that I just suddenly left, not thinking of the consequences.  
"But Suguru, please don't do this ever again. I can't bear it whenever you do things like this. And this time, I had to say something before you went too far."

What…what…what was happening? Was I hallucinating?

This couldn't be true. Yeah, I was sick, that's all it was, right?

Then, as he was about to get up, he put his cheek to mine and said, "I do believe in you, Suguru. That's why I push you so much."

With that, he left and I fell asleep once more.

A few days later, I saw Tohma again while I was working alone in the studio at so late an hour. He dropped by and watched me as I recorded a song by myself. I looked at him in the booth not knowing what to do with the lingering thoughts, words, and feelings of what happened days ago, or so I thought were true.

I couldn't tell if they were real because I was so sick…

But as I stared at him, I began to realize and rediscover the person I had been watching all of my life. And it was then that I began to understand. It was also then that I saw that I didn't imagine anything.

It was there. And it was real.

Then, as he was about to turn around to leave, I found myself saying, "Tohma-san? Please don't go yet."

I went to the booth as his back faced towards me.  
"Yes?"  
"Now that I've had time think about it, I have an answer for you." I stared at his back and told him, "We have to know our limits, but that doesn't always mean we can abide by them. That's what you taught me when I learned to live for myself."

With a sorrowful smile, he turned his head towards me. Then, he turned around the rest of his body while taking off his gloves. Putting one hand on my cheek, he searched into my eyes with his thumb touching my lips.  
I looked at him, wanting him to touch me so intimately.

"But not all limits are meant to be broken, Suguru-kun."

Without thinking, I found my lips kissing his thumb with my eyes closed. And then, he looked at me with worried eyes.

We looked from side to side in embarrassment, and then he averted his body away from me in order to run away and exit in a dignified manner. I watched him as he was leaving me.

Never being able to step towards or away from him…

"You might think I'm childish this way, but I don't believe in that. You have to break them in order to  
grow."  
He stopped as he looked at the ceiling. "And that's why I think you're so wonderful, Suguru."

I smiled as he closed the door behind him. I continued to stare at the door with my vision becoming blurry once more.

"I can do anything I want as long as I work hard. As long as I'm innovative and creative, I'll always find a place for myself.

"Tohma-san, I have made it to many places without you, and you have taught me a lot of things. But I didn't know you were always watching me."

I sighed. "I'll always be idealistic, thinking I can get everything I want as long as I pay the right sacrifice for it. That's what you taught me. And yet…

"Why? Why is it that the one thing I want most in this world…"

I couldn't finish my sentence aloud as I walked over to his gloves and picked them up from the ground. I kissed them as my tears were soaked by them.

"You said I could have everything I wanted as long as I tried my best with all my heart and soul."

But as I'm growing up, I find that that isn't true at all.

His voice resounded inside of my mind and deeply in my heart: _"__But not all limits are meant to be broken, Suguru-kun.__"_

I cried even harder. "Yes they can…they have to be."

I know very well that I can't have you, but nor can I get away from you, Tohma.

Because this is who I am,  
I still strive for the impossible,  
even in an illusion.

And so, I'll get everything else if I can't keep you beside me the way I want you to be, and pretend that you are...

I…  
I don't want to be second best to anyone or anything any longer.

Not anymore.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** I don't know why. I thought long and hard about an idea for a Suguru fic. As much as I love all the characters, I feel that suguru, as well as some other characters, are often ignored. Even though I should have built up to the action of the fic, I wanted to experiment once more and try to get to the heart of the action while presenting a situation that isn't too heartfelt, but one of aggravation and intensity. I'm sure you have felt a time in which you were confronted with your limits. And with this fic, I wanted to push through, even though it isn't usually socially acceptable and I don't promote this type of behavior. Yet, I thought it would be an interesting subject to dwell on and think about because if I didn't make you think, then I'm not doing my job.  
**  
Friday, July 09, 2004**


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